Wednesday, December 17, 2008

300+ Word Reviews: Twilight


Well I went through with it and went to see if "Twilight" lived up to all this hype it’s been getting from tweens and adults a like. Did it? Hell no! I’ve never been one to get into the so called fads that come along in our country such as Harry Potter or Lord Of The Rings. But I am working at a movie theater and now I can see movies for free so I had some time to kill yesterday and decided to check out "Twilight". I went into it with the intention to try and take the film seriously. That lasted for about the first oh twenty minutes or so. Once the Cullens were introduced to the film the jokes began. Everytime Edward Cullen (played by Robert Pattison) was on screen and said some horrible line of dialogue I kept saying out loud “I’M A VAMPIRE.” Kirsten Steward even in her cute but somewhat quirky look wasn’t any better. For the first hour or so while she was slowly (painfully slowly at times) figuring out just what Edward really was I kept saying “HE’S A VAMPIRE!” and when the big moment of realization came and she say to Edward “You’re a Vampire!” I was like “NO SHIT SHERLOCK!” but my best joke came when Bella Kirsten Steward’s one dimensional excuse of a mother asks if she’s being safe I yelled at “LADY SHE’S DATING A FUCKING VAMPIRE” that mad the 5 or 6 other people in the theater laugh. See the problem with this movie for me was it just couldn’t be taken seriously. I’m not saying it’s the worst movie ever made that honor currently goes to “The Hottie and The Nottie” It’s just a poor excuse of a so called Vampire movie geared solely for Tweens and girls that find pale faced guys like Edward dreamy. I mean seriously the fact that they don’t drink the blood of humans is as absurd as people who eat fucking veggie burgers. This is why I don’t buy into fads. And this is why you should avoid Twilight like vampires avoid the sunlight. It's done to the Vampire movie what Broke Back Mountain did to the Cowboy movie. Oh and another thing what the fuck does the title Twlight even mean? I mean maybe it has to do with the really bad effect they use to show what Edward looks like in the sunlight but I really doubt it.

Ok this is just fucking pathetic:

Just in case some tweeny fucking vampire wannabe goes fucking crazy and tries to suck your blood.

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